Lament
by Aoife Malfoy
Summary: HPDM Slash. AU. PostHBP. War fic. Grief can take many forms.


**Title:** Lament  
**Author:** Aoife Malfoy  
**Pairing:** H/D  
**Genre:** Angst  
**Rating:** PG-13 for language  
**Beta:** None. So that means I own all the stupid little mistakes. facepalms  
**Warnings:** AU. Post-HBP. War fic.  
**Disclaimer:** Property of JK Rowling. Only borrowing for my own amusement.  
**Word Count:** 2,620  
**Summary:** Grief can take many forms.

Harry burst into his room in a furious rage and began violently kicking anything that was in the near vicinity. Cursing acidly, he began throwing things as well. Untamed magic began to pulse through the air as his emotions ran wild. Soon tears were blurring his vision and in a haze of anger and despair, virtually every single thing in the room was destroyed.

"What have you done, Harry?" A voice called from behind him. He whirled around and saw Draco standing at the edge of the rubble.

"You know what happened, Draco! It was all his fault! If he was guarding the back like I told him to, the Death Eaters wouldn't have gotten in!" Harry snarled as he felt anger swell up in his chest once again.

"Now, Harry, you know that's not true. The Death Eaters would have gotten in, whether or not, he was in position. You know that he's no match for the three fully trained wizards that were there. Especially, my father." Draco said soothingly as he approached him with caution.

Harry shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe you! I would think that you of all people would be happy to agree with me."

Draco smiled sadly, "I've changed a lot since then, love. I know now that the Weasel isn't as bad as he looks and even though he's as headstrong as a Spanish bull, he still has a heart of gold and is loyal to you to a fault."

Harry snorted. "A fat lot that did me."

A soft knock interrupted them and a gentle voice was heard. "Harry? Are you alright, mate?"

"Oh yes I feel spectacular! How do you think I feel, you fucking twit!" Harry growled menacingly, his fury returning anew at the sight of his best friend.

Ron poked his head all the way in and his eyes widened at the sight of destruction. He cleared his throat nervously and said, "Look, Harry, I know you're mad right now and I feel terrible about what happened. Don't think for a second that I wanted something like this to happen to him but-"

"But what, Ron?" Harry cut him off, enraged further by the empty words that were falling from Ron's lips and completely ignoring Draco's soothing interjections. "You're sorry? Or better yet it wasn't your fault? That I should forgive you for not fucking doing as you were told and getting him killed? Well guess what, Ronniekiens? It was your fault. He died because of you! I will never forgive you and I swear to Merlin if you don't leave this room right this second, I will fucking kill you with my bare hands!"

A shocked gasp and a hitch of breath later and Harry was blessedly alone again.

"You shouldn't have done that, love." Draco said quietly. "It wasn't his fault."

"It was! Don't you dare side with him! It was his fault!" Harry screamed angrily and the tears that were coursing down his face were hot and bitter. He slid slowly to the floor and wrapped his arms around himself. And the last thing he saw before darkness claimed him was Draco's concerned face hovering above him.

**Days later…**

"Harry, you have to get some sleep. You've been working on these plans for hours." Hermione admonished as she sat down next to him.

Harry rubbed tiredly at his reddened eyes and stifled a yawn. "I'm fine, Hermione. Quit nagging me about it. I'll rest when I feel the need to. These plans need to get done if we're to stop the next attack."

"I know that but surely you could take a nap? A few hours won't hurt anyone then you can come back new and refreshed because honestly you look like hell. You know Draco wouldn't like to see you this way." Hermione chided gently as she put a hand on his shoulder.

Jerking from the contact, Harry withdrew from her and bit out. "You leave Draco out of this, Hermione. I said I'm fine. Now either stay and help or fuck off and leave me alone.

Sighing, Hermione tried a new way to approach her mourning friend. "You know Ron feels awful about all this. He hasn't talked to anyone since that day you guys came back."

Reaching the end of his patience, Harry snapped. "Well, I'm glad he feels horrible because he fucking deserves it! It's his fault any of this happened! It's his fault he died!" Once again the air around them seemed to cackle with wild energy as Harry felt his rage slipping from his control. "Now leave, Hermione."

"But, Harry, I-" She started to say but Harry cut her off cruelly. "I can't be held accountable for what may happen if you stay. Please just go."

With one last crushed look at her friend's deteriorating state, Hermione left.

"You know I don't like her but surely she hasn't done anything to deserve that tongue-lashing. What has she done this time?" Draco drawled from behind him.

"She was trying to convince me about Ron's innocence and she was trying to force me to go to bed. Can you believe that woman?" Harry said exasperatedly.

"She's right you know. You do look like you could use a good weeks worth of sleep. Besides you have to forgive him sometime, Harry." Draco whispered quietly.

"Why? If he didn't fuck up then none of this would have happened!" Harry said angrily as he began to pace furiously.

Sighing, Draco stepped closer to him and gripped him by the shoulders. "Look, love, you can blame him all you want until you're blue in the face but nothing would have changed. That mission would still have ended in disaster. People make mistakes. People die. Sometimes it's somebody else's fault and sometimes it is just their time. Life is like that. You should know that by now. Besides you're not being fair to Ron."

"Fair? You want me to be fair?" Harry repeated incredulously as he stared in desperate hilarity at his lover.

Sighing, Draco nodded. "Yes, love. I know it's hard because life hasn't been very fair to you and-"

"Exactly!" Harry exploded as he jerked away from Draco. "I'm so sick and tired of walking around and being the _good_ one. The one who always picks up the pieces of what's left. The one who forgives people without needing an apology! Like you said, Draco, life isn't fair and you have to ask yourself if that's the case, do you want to be?"

"And I suppose your answer to that right now is no?" Draco asked with a raised eyebrow.

Crossing his arms across his chest, Harry nodded stubbornly. "Too fucking right." And to his eternal consternation, his lover had the nerve to laugh at his answer.

Chuckling, Draco eased the distance between them as he strode over and pulled Harry into an embrace. "That won't last."

Indignantly, Harry snorted. "And why the hell not?"

Still smiling, Draco held his irritated lover tighter. "Because in a world that is always cruel and unfair, you have always managed to remain pure and untouched by its cynicism and therein lies the salvation of us all. Don't let the world win, Harry."

Sighing, Harry felt all the rage that was inside him die out as he relaxed into Draco's arms. "I hate it when you make sense." He mumbled into his shirt.

"Which is all the time as we both know." Draco teased lightly.

"You would think so but no. You do have your share of blond bimbo moments." Harry replied lightly and it was almost worth the thwack he received for the look on Draco's comically outraged face.

**hpdm**

The next day had Harry approaching a solitary Ron after the morning Order meeting.

"It wasn't your fault." Harry said solemnly as he sat next to his miserable best friend.

Startled, Ron looked up from where he was currently staring into space. He could scarcely believe his ears. "What?" Ron croaked incredulously, afraid to believe what he was hearing.

"I just wanted to say that what happened wasn't your fault and that I'm sorry for telling you that it was." Harry said evenly.

Slumping back into his chair in relief, Ron replied. "Thanks, mate. I really needed to hear that."

Harry nodded grimly and he began to walk away when Ron's voice stopped him.

"Harry, do you- do you want to hang out with me today? It's been awhile since I've seen you and I missed you a bit." Ron asked hesitantly, his tone showed just how unsure he was of the extent of Harry's forgiveness.

He was relieved when all Harry did in reply was send him a small smile and a nod of acquiescence.

**hpdm**

"Well I, for one, am glad you wore clothes a sight better than what you usually wear." Draco said with a smirk as he surveyed Harry's formal Wizarding robes in approval.

"Of course you'd like that I'm dressed to the nines like a nancy. You're the one who gave me these poncy robes in the first place!" Harry grumbled as he walked alongside his lover.

Draco smiled as he turned to his lover. "There's one more thing I need you to do for me."

Wincing, Harry grimaced. "I've worn these sodding robes of yours! What more could you want?"

Still smiling, Draco replied. "Be serious, you git! I'm not talking about your clothes. I'm talking about what happened earlier this week. I want you to forgive yourself too. What happened wasn't your fault either."

Sighing and carding his hands through his wayward locks, Harry grunted. "Yes it was. You don't understand, love, I'm the hero. I'm supposed to save people. How could I do that when I keep failing so spectacularly?"

Shaking his head, Draco retorted. "You can't save everybody."

Harry snorted. "Well, why don't you go tell that to the hopeful masses? Besides I know I can't save everybody. I, at least, want to be able to save the people I love and I can't even do that."

Sighing, Draco stopped walking. "Look it might seem like a good idea to just wallow in your guilt right now but it really isn't helping anyone. Not your parents. Not Sirius. Not Dumbledore. Not anybody that's on your list of people to feel guilty over. It's certainly not helping me."

"Well I'm sorry if my grief is such a hardship for you!" Harry yelled, his frustration and anger winning the battle against his control.

"That's not what I'm saying, you silly arse! I'm telling you that owning these deaths as your own doing is a conceitedness that even I, in my Slytherin glory days, could not accomplish. You are virtually declaring that these people died because of what you've said or done! Do you know how infinitely narcissistic that sounds? You are not god! People don't die because of what you do or don't do! By believing this for even a second, you violate their memory because you make it seem as if they had no will of their own."

"You're right. Of course, you're right. I'm sorry for being so stupid but this isn't easy for me, Draco. I still feel like I let all those people down, that I let _you_ down."

Rolling his eyes, Draco smiled. "You wouldn't be who you are if you didn't. But please, start forgiving yourself, love. For me."

Returning his smile, Harry nodded. "It's not going to be easy but I'll try."

"That's all I ask." Draco replied.

"Now enough of this depressing stuff. When we get to this Order meeting, I am going to stuff myself with Mrs. Weasley's cooking! I'm starving! Don't look at me like you're disgusted, you ponce! You like her cooking too. I can tell with the way you gorged yourself with the last time she made blueberry scones! Right, Ron?" Harry asked as he turned to his best mate who had just caught up to them.

"What are you talking about?" Ron asked bewilderedly as he looked concernedly at his happily babbling friend.

"Draco's unholy love for your Mum's scones! Remember the last time we all had a home cooked meal? I can't wait to eat some more of her shepherd's pie!" Harry crowed happily as he slapped Ron on the back and was puzzled at the sad and confused look he got in return.

Shaking his head, Ron frowned and asked sadly. "Where do you think we are, Harry?"

Whirling around, Harry turned to survey the area around him. A cold chill swept through them as leaves danced in the wind. Sighing and sobering immediately as the cold fist of realization hit him and brought him soundly back down to earth, Harry nodded wretchedly to Ron. Deciding to face his grief at last, he quietly walked the rest of the way to the grave site.

"I miss him." Harry whispered softly as he broke the oppressed silence that had settled between the two of them as they both stared at the headstone before them. His words were weighed heavily down by the tears now coursing down his face.

"I know, Harry. I know." Ron said sadly as he clapped a comforting hand on his friend's shaking form. They both continued to gaze forlornly at the obsidian tombstone that read:

_Draco Lucien Malfoy_

June 5, 1980-March 4, 1999

Until we meet again.

They all came then. Aurors were milling about securing the property, of course. Hogwarts Professors, Order members and former classmates. A scattered few who never really knew him but have come to pay respects whether be it in genuine mourning or morbid curiosity.

Harry paid them no mind. Countless hours have passed. Ron had left when all the Weasleys had departed and the Aurors have given up on him moving an inch for tonight and so they had set up surveillance instead. Flowers were laid and rotting, the grass that was once so green and fresh was now trampled and dying. Still, Harry remained where he was, rooted to the spot in front of the sign that proclaimed the end of his lover's life. His knees gave out then, no longer able to sustain the amount of strain he was putting on them and he tumbled head first into the dry trodden grass. Clutching clumps of dirt and grass, Harry sobbed violently into the earth. A low keening sound resonated from the back of his throat as he gave in to the hysterics that had been threatening to overwhelm him since Ron first found him. He had come to pay his respects, to forgive himself and to let go. He found he could to do all these things except the last, for how could he leave when Draco was here? His home was wherever Draco was that has been true for the past year. How can he just forget that? And so he cursed and cried into the dirt that held his lover's body and when he shed all the tears he could cry, he was left wondering if his lover was able to feel his tears from six feet under.

"I miss you." He whispered once again into the still of the graveyard but this time there was no answering witty banter or even soothing words of comfort.

There was only silence.

_Finite._

**AN:** Love it? Hate it? Comments are love! ;)


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